Bad Case of the Mondays

Two words: crappy day

The end of being 20 years old

Almost 21! Tomorrow will be just a normal day. I sometimes forget that I am no longer 17 years old, but a woman of the legal drinking age. Looking back on the year, there are a lot of things I should have done differently. Life is not to be spent thinking of what I should have done, so I guess I will move forward and do things that I will not regret and so that a year later, I won't think, "I should have did this." Like I said, tomorrow is just another day. Time goes by so fast. I shall try to remain hopeful and remember my year of being 21 years old as a good one. I love my family and friends and I am grateful that they have supported me through the years, even when I did not deserve it. Move forward and be grateful that I lived to see the age of 21.

Remaining Hopeful

Although I cannot say for certain if I am truly happy, I can say that I feel as though something amazing will happen. I have this huge knot in my stomach. I feel so nervous! Today, I felt whole. I am hoping that this feeling continues. Today's exercise was EXCELLENT! I'm still a little chubby, but after a few months, I am sure the fat will have melted off. The weather is AMAZING! It feels like beach weather. Hello Fall! Now I can wear sweaters that will hide my fat. School is Friday, and I am hoping that it is a smooth quarter. I won't kill myself over getting As, but I will try. Life is about having fun, but also staying true to who you are. The simple things in life are free, so I take what I can. Feeling oh so good!

Hope, fear, and Happiness

Today is one of those days where I feel completely alone. Although I am surrounded by friends and family, I feel as though I cannot connect to anyone. Yesterday, I thought, was a day I finally accepted who I am. I know that I am not unattractive, although not as attractive as others, I know that I am smart, I know that I am funny, I know that I am logical, I know that I am honest, I know that I am faithful, I know that I am firmly believe and stand by my  morals. With that realization, came a sense of calm which I have not felt before. Although I know I am giving my all into my "relationship," in the end, if it fails, then it had nothing to do with any lack of effort on my part. Sometimes it is painful to even think of the time that has passed, and the time remaining until I can be near him again. Call it another one of those cliche love stories, but what I feel is real. I hate Disney movies, it tricks people into thinking that happy endings are guaranteed. Nothing in life is guaranteed, you have to work for what you want. I will admit, I had to learn the hard way just what it meant to truly love someone, what it meant to make a relationship work. Was this realization too late? My heart aches, but I must be strong. The odds are against this relationship, but even so, I believe it will work if we both try, and most importantly, if it was meant to be. I do not want to be naive in believing it, but believing it motivates me to overcome every obstacle that comes my way. I trust myself and believe in myself, but I do not know if I can trust and believe him. Is this 5 month test necessary? Haven't we already been tested? I feel as though we have both gone through so much. Why is it that other people can make it work? What did they do to make it work? What have I not done? What has he not done? I pray that it works, but I know that even that is not enough. Today I was disappointed and with each disappointment, the fear for what may happen while he is away worsens.  I hope that if it does not work out, that I eventually become numb to what I felt for him. I wish he never left, but I guess we have our own plans.